15.1.14

It's a New Day For Me


 photo newday_zpsc44224ad.jpg

This week, I will have lived longer than my mother did and it feels strange.

Mum died in her 30's exactly 1 week before her birthday and in my childish mind I thought that this was quite old and begun to believe that I would never live longer than she did. However, as I grew and my own years began to slip away, I realised just how young she was and how much she had overcome in the few years I had with her and my admiration for my mother grew evermore. Unfortunately, so did my odd unsubstantiated belief that I wouldn't make it past this age.

I have all sorts of mental demons and one such manifestation is an obsessive compulsive issue with my made up childhood beliefs. This is not as negative as it sounds. I have in fact taught myself to use my issues to spur me on in life and this one in particular has helped me have courage and be unafraid of taking risks and really live life to the fullest point that I realistically can. It has taught me to never mind wearing my heart on my sleeve but to wear it emblazoned across my whole being and so what if I say things that people think is odd and curiously emotional....I don't want to leave things unsaid or unfelt.

Perhaps it is grief that instilled this belief in my head. It is a sad fact that my sister and I were prevented from attending our mother's funeral and so perhaps it is this that kept my strange notion niggling away at me for over 20 years. It doesn't really matter I think. Time does heal in a way. In my case it dulled the sharp pain and replaced it a bottomless admiration of my mother for being a truly phenomenal woman (entirely worthy of THAT Maya Angelou poem) who overcame all the worst things that a woman can face and still have a grace, kindness and generosity of spirit that I have never again encountered in a person. I still do have an indescribable confliction of silent numbness and dull aching on certain days of the year yet even this has enabled me to grow stronger and maybe a little wiser too.

So this week, I will have lived longer than my mother and I am sat here wondering what I shall do with myself now that I have made it this far. Someone on Twitter said this to me; 

"this means you'll feel a lot better tomorrow. A new chapter in your life without the countdown."

I could not have put it put it better. Thank you Seb for finding the words that escaped me. Up until now I have a had a full life always thinking of this day and so that it is shifting into my past, now more than ever before and with everything I have inside me I will strive for more of the same. The photograph above was taken under the wide skies of Tanzania at the end of last year and it just seems to sum up how I feel.

Now let me get up and get on with the rest of my life!

P.S. I have decided to stand up to myself and write about this on my blog for 2 reasons. Firstly, as selfish as it may seem on the surface, writing is therapeutic for me. Secondly, this may give some sort of solace and comfort to others floating in the same lonely boat.

19 comments:

  1. Go and live doll...I've lived longer than my dad has...it feels surreal at times, but I feel a sense of accomplishment from it & feel he lives through me and that's what matters most xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kiz! Your encouragement is precious to me! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I can do this!!

      Delete
  2. Dear Worshipblues,
    Yes, indeed. Your blog should be a self-therapy as well. In fact, the best posts are those posts upon which one can emotionally and mentally reflect. I didn't know your mother died so young. But, you know what a wise man already said a long time ago: What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Hugs!
    Sandra

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dear Sandra! Lovely to hear from you again. YOu always know the best things to say to me. Thank you!

      Delete
  3. what a beautiful post, and may you have a beautiful and curious life <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Trona. Yes I like that..."beautiful and curious life". I shall try to do just that :)

      Delete
  4. Thank you so much for sharing this - while I still have the privilege to have both my parents, my close friend lost her mother early on in her life as well. I have sent her a link, hoping that she will find some understanding now knowing that she is not alone out there. I'm sure she sometimes feels this way and no matter how much I would like to help, I feel that the knowledge of there being someone else who has gone through a similar experience is infinitely more comforting.
    Again, thank you. I hope you will continue through life with your heart pouring into the world - I'm a follower of your blog and I can definitely feel the warmth flowing all the way here to Denmark!
    Three cheers for wonderful people that will never leave us, for not letting things go unsaid or unfelt (such a beautiful way to phrase it!) and for you sharing a glimpse into the magical adventures that is your world. Cheers!
    - C.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello C. Thank you for sharing the link with your friend. I hope that my thoughts can bring a tiny bit of comfort her way. She is not alone. I thought I was but then you told me about your friend and that in itself makes me feel less anxious about publishing this post on my blog. Thank you sooo much for commenting, you really brought some light to my day!!

      Delete
  5. My dear glow worm,

    This post was lovely and touched all the bittersweet feeling's from my heart. I recall from one of many of our chats about your mum and she was indeed a super woman. You can breathe a sigh of relief that you lived another day to enjoy life and what this earth has to offer. Bless your freckled heart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I probably do have a freckled heart. If I were a betting person I would put money on it. I miss our chats!

      Delete
  6. I have tears in my eyes. Beautiful words of such honesty and it is true, tomorrow you will have a new start. Continue to live and live it well xo

    ReplyDelete
  7. Somehow I always knew, reading from your blog, that you've been through something but never quite know what it is. All I read is that adventurous, torturous, profound, curious spirit that you have spilled out over whatever you wrote. Your mother must have lived through everything that you do or write and more. May you live onward without the countdown - as your friend wisely put it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dear Yasumi, thank you for sharing this poignant story. I just celebrated my 39th birthday in December and it feels strange to move into my 40s. My 12 YO son asked how do I feel about turning 40 this year? I do not have the answer for him then but now I do. I am just so grateful that I can be here for him in his growing years. Stay courageous and strong and you know what? You have live such a beautiful life :) God Bless!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Somehow I was reminded of this quote: "The opposite of death is birth, as life has no opposite." by Eckhart Tolle.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think you are doing a great job staying true to yourself whilst always exploring and looking for new horizons. She would be proud. A beautiful picture and a beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a shot! That's worth living for X

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh I wish I could give you a big hug!!!! I've been thinking so much about life and death lately, with my daughter just being born and my grandmother passing on New Years it has been hard not to. You are a wonderful example of how to be yourself and live the life you want. Keep on writing and you KNOW I will keep reading.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't know how I missed this post, but miss it I did. You are amazing and everything I read and see, makes me wish so much we could be friends in the real world too. I admire you very much.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh rats... where has my comment gone? :(

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to leave a note, they are the stuff that keeps us going.