YOU DON'T KNOW MR GUM?
Well he is a mean, grumpy old man with "two bloodshot eyes that stare out at you like an octopus in a bad cave”. He hates “children, animals, fun and corn on the cob”. His favourite TV show is Bag Of Sticks (a picture of a bag of sticks for half an hour). He is the main villain and friends with Billy William the Third. "Shabba me whiskers" is his favourite phrase.
NOW FOR THE SHINY FING BIT.....
This is an excerpt from the book;
And there he sat, right in the middle of all that chaos, sprawled on a great throne made from a rusty dentist’s chair he’d found on the mountainside one afternoon. His eyes were red and bloodshot, and his long cruel fingers dripped with silver rings that he’d stolen off old-age pensioners. And in his big red beard sat a dark green emerald, gleaming nastily. My word, those goblins loved that big fat jewel! ‘SHINY FING!’ they’d cry whenever it caught the light. “SHINY FING! SHINY FING! SHINY FING! SHINY FIIIIIIIIIIIIING!’ All their shouting drove the Goblin King Crazy, but he had to put up with it. It was just part of the job.
At the King’s side stood his partner in dirt, a shady character known only as Burger Wizard the Third. He wore a robe made from an old sack which said LOW QUALITY PORK CHOPS, and he was smoking a pipe full of mud.
‘Fancy a little puff, me old Goblin King?’ coughed the Burger Wizard, brandishing the pipe.
And speaking if shiny fings, I plan to make something dazzling this weekend. Something red and dazzling.